My mother just left after a week+ visit. She is 86, and still pretty healthy. She lives with my sister and her husband in Ft. Worth, TX. They have a large house, and Mom has a separate apartment. They share the living and kitchen areas.
It's been a few years since Mom came here to SC, and I took most of the week off from work to hang out with her. We get along great - I am very like her in many ways. We knitted together (she makes prayer shawls for the children's hospital) which was fun. We also shopped, ran errands, ate out (a LOT) and watched football. I am not a big fan, but she is, and she & my husband talk sports.
What really gets me is how emotional I am feeling about the whole thing. It was really fun being with her, but I am highly aware that we may not have many more opportunities for this. She is more childlike now, more in tune with what she likes and dislikes, and WAY less concerned about what others think she "should do". I was surprised by the overwhelming tenderness I felt towards her. This is a new emotion in our relationship.
I also was aware in a whole new way of how others responded to her. Not so much young people, but middle-aged & older. I saw over and over again that someone would look at her, and shift just a little. Like my friend Judy from work who was extra sweet to her. And the American Airlines employee who offered to let me go to the gate with her this morning to wait for her plane to depart. And the security screener who helped her with her things in the line. That little bit of compassion and kindness, that awareness of how precious our parents are, that hint of our OWN mortality.
And inescapably, I am keenly aware that I have no daughters (no children at all) to be with me when I am old. My niece jokingly offered to eat pizza with me when I am 86, in response to a tweet about this. I'm holding her to it.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
My Life with Bright, Shiny Objects
I've been focusing lately on how to make room in my life for all the things I love to do. Given that I work full time (and then some) and need to sleep every day, this is a challenge. The really frustrating part is that I have a tendency to spend lots of time and energy on the fun new thing, and then sort of forget it as I move on to the next. Then I remember it later, and how much I enjoyed it, and cycle back around. Or at least think wistfully about it.
I was chatting with @luminousheart about this, and she called it Bright Shiny Object Syndrome. Perfect! My life is a room full of Bright Shiny Objects, most of them littered about me on the floor. They are just as bright and shiny, but somehow less enticing than they used to be.
I've been using Dance of Shiva to try to work through this pattern, and a few things have surfaced:
I was chatting with @luminousheart about this, and she called it Bright Shiny Object Syndrome. Perfect! My life is a room full of Bright Shiny Objects, most of them littered about me on the floor. They are just as bright and shiny, but somehow less enticing than they used to be.
I've been using Dance of Shiva to try to work through this pattern, and a few things have surfaced:
- I would like to take a broader view when setting priorities. I am playing with some visual reminders to see what works.
- I do better when externally motivated. How can I help myself be more self-motivating? Still working on that one.
- Keep writing. Here, and in my morning pages. Writing is a great tool for self-awareness, probably my best one.
- Find little niches where I can fit things in. Example: I found an audio podcast of A Course in Miracles, and I listen to each day's lesson on my way in to work
Monday, September 20, 2010
Keeping It Real
I have noticed a tendency to shy away from writing here when I am in the middle of dealing with something in my life. What's that about? What I tell myself is that no one wants the messy details. The truth, however, is that this is a tool to help me, and I have a long history of amassing tools that I do not use.
The downfall is that when I write about it later, there's no immediacy. Looking back does not have the passion that the moment does. The bloodless recounting is boring.
So. Today, I am upset about the fact the my fabulous new eating habits are making me put on weight. To make a very long story short, I am constantly vigilant about this because otherwise I would weight a LOT more than I do. I know this, because I used to, with all the concomitant effects: high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.
This means I have to step back into the practice of logging food and exercise, and get myself back where I want to be before 4 pounds turns into 8. And that I have to balance my new eating habits against calorie intake. This is a big part of what threw me into the frenzy I just wrote about.
I'll try to spare you the tedious details and instead keep this blog focused on what matters more: how I feel and how I manage the spiritual side of being in my body.
The downfall is that when I write about it later, there's no immediacy. Looking back does not have the passion that the moment does. The bloodless recounting is boring.
So. Today, I am upset about the fact the my fabulous new eating habits are making me put on weight. To make a very long story short, I am constantly vigilant about this because otherwise I would weight a LOT more than I do. I know this, because I used to, with all the concomitant effects: high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.
This means I have to step back into the practice of logging food and exercise, and get myself back where I want to be before 4 pounds turns into 8. And that I have to balance my new eating habits against calorie intake. This is a big part of what threw me into the frenzy I just wrote about.
I'll try to spare you the tedious details and instead keep this blog focused on what matters more: how I feel and how I manage the spiritual side of being in my body.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Chaos in the Wake of Change
Obsession!! What's not to love?
I get wrapped around the axle so easily. I can take a good idea and turn it into an obsession without even pausing to blink. Next thing I know, I am off and running, caught up without knowing quite how I got there.
This time? I am tinkering with my eating habits.
It started simply enough: at Atlanta Mania at the end of July, I attended a lecture by Paul Chek. Quite frankly, he blew my mind. I had a lot of fun rummaging around his booth, and I came home with two books: How to Eat, Move, and Be Healthy! by him and Nourishing Traditions (a cookbook) by Sally Fallon.
I had already been thinking about trying some different eating patterns, e.g. smaller meals more often. And I have been concerned for a long time about the contents of what I eat (yes, I read labels). I avoid crap like high-fructose corn syrup. Fast Food Nation changed my life.
So this all was very timely. Chek's basic message: check in with how you feel, and eat a balance of foods that help you feel your best. He provides clear tips on how to do that and what to watch for. The cookbook has great recipes and a lot of information about the food-like substances that make up the modern Western diet.
Based on what I read, I decided to try putting more protein in my diet and see what happens. Seems simple, doesn't it?
But no.
I have a little computer program that allows me to track what I eat and put in specific nutritional goals. So, by God, if Chek's book says that X percent of my calories should come from protein and Y percent from carbs and Z percent from fat, then you know I put those into my little program and started logging all my meals. Seriously obsessed!!! Worse: I became afraid I'd end up eating WAY more food than I should just to make the numbers right.
However, these days it's hard for me to maintain that level of insanity for long. And you know, when I went back and looked at the book again, he specifically addresses NOT getting all caught up in that kind of mental contortion. Really, it's more more a matter of watching the basic proportions of each meal, and observing the results and adjusting accordingly.
I managed to retreat back to sanity after about a week, and make reasonable tweaks without getting carried away. And I'm liking the results.
It's an old pattern
Getting caught up like this is an old, familiar pattern for me. I'm really glad I saw it, recognized it, and was able to fix it so quickly.
It gives me hope that the next time, it will be even better.
That's all for now.
I get wrapped around the axle so easily. I can take a good idea and turn it into an obsession without even pausing to blink. Next thing I know, I am off and running, caught up without knowing quite how I got there.
This time? I am tinkering with my eating habits.
It started simply enough: at Atlanta Mania at the end of July, I attended a lecture by Paul Chek. Quite frankly, he blew my mind. I had a lot of fun rummaging around his booth, and I came home with two books: How to Eat, Move, and Be Healthy! by him and Nourishing Traditions (a cookbook) by Sally Fallon.
I had already been thinking about trying some different eating patterns, e.g. smaller meals more often. And I have been concerned for a long time about the contents of what I eat (yes, I read labels). I avoid crap like high-fructose corn syrup. Fast Food Nation changed my life.
So this all was very timely. Chek's basic message: check in with how you feel, and eat a balance of foods that help you feel your best. He provides clear tips on how to do that and what to watch for. The cookbook has great recipes and a lot of information about the food-like substances that make up the modern Western diet.
Based on what I read, I decided to try putting more protein in my diet and see what happens. Seems simple, doesn't it?
But no.
I have a little computer program that allows me to track what I eat and put in specific nutritional goals. So, by God, if Chek's book says that X percent of my calories should come from protein and Y percent from carbs and Z percent from fat, then you know I put those into my little program and started logging all my meals. Seriously obsessed!!! Worse: I became afraid I'd end up eating WAY more food than I should just to make the numbers right.
However, these days it's hard for me to maintain that level of insanity for long. And you know, when I went back and looked at the book again, he specifically addresses NOT getting all caught up in that kind of mental contortion. Really, it's more more a matter of watching the basic proportions of each meal, and observing the results and adjusting accordingly.
I managed to retreat back to sanity after about a week, and make reasonable tweaks without getting carried away. And I'm liking the results.
It's an old pattern
Getting caught up like this is an old, familiar pattern for me. I'm really glad I saw it, recognized it, and was able to fix it so quickly.
It gives me hope that the next time, it will be even better.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
SOLI 4 Love and Kindness to the Jerk Contractor
Last weekend we had the final meeting with the contractor who has been remodeling our house. Not the whole thing, three rooms & the screen porch. I wrote in an earlier post about how the stress of the whole process was affecting us - that was a month ago, so you can imagine what we were like by the end.
Warning: Next several paragraphs are venting.
Especially my poor husband, who had to deal with the contractor (henceforth known as G.M.) way more than I did. The project that was supposed to take 6-8 weeks took 12. And along the way, it became clear that G.M. was not putting our interests as his first priority.
Problems
There were some little warning signs, but the big one was over the granite vanity in the master bath. Instead of subcontracting the whole job, which is what we were expecting, he had the granite place cut the slab on HIS measurements instead of coming out to do it right. He then hired one of their guys to come out and help him with the installation. The slab did not fit the corner due to walls being out of true, the holes for the sinks were too small AND off kilter, and one of them was in the wrong place. So what do you think he did? Reject it to be re-done??? Oh no, instead he tried VERY HARD to get us to accept it as is. We are still not sure why. But in the end we got him to replace it.
More Problems
The list of other stuff that's just plain wrong or sloppy would bore you, so I'll just mention a couple more. He installed a new screen door on our screen porch, one that swings open instead of sliding. However, he used the wrong kind of hinges, so the edge of the door is positioned half an inch from the frame, leaving a giant gap for bugs to come freely in. He also fixed the leaky roof on that same screen porch. But he discarded the hooded gutter that was there, and when we reminded him that the gutter needed to be replaced, he bought a cheaper non-hooded gutter. And the tile floor of the new shower doesn't drain properly, leaving puddles that don't go down the drain, even after the second try to get the slope right.
So. By the time we were FINALLY "done", we figured we have at least $2000 worth of rework to do to fix his screwups. At that point there was $455 left on the contract balance at that point, due to extra draws since he kept pleading poverty every week.
WTF??
So imagine our surprise when we got an email where he laid out all the things NOT included in the contract or any change order that he "expected" to be paid for. Even though HIS contract says everything like that has to be agreed on ahead of time. The add-on total for the extras came to almost $4000, about 20% over the contract amount.
This list included a few items that we would have agreed on had he asked. But most of it was outrageous bullshit. Like when he converted our old shower to a closet, he had originally planned to put in a sheetrock wall, which would have left a space between it and the new shower. There was a reason for this, but I don't know what it was. But he decided at some point NOT to do that, so it was less work for him and gave us a bigger closet. Fine. But on that final list, he included a $325 extra charge for that bigger closet, even though it was less work and materials!! This, and some other things, were just confusing.
Vent Alert Over
So we divided the list of "extras" into things we thought were OK (totaled $1000) and things we said "no way" to. When he showed up on Sunday, we were ready. The first thing we did was let him know that we were not satisfied with a number of items, which by his contract meant we didn't owe him anything more. Plus there was the little matter of the part of his contract where we don't have to pay for anything we didn't agree to. Then we veered onto the topic of the shower, where my husband got so angry he had to leave the room. G.M. and I continued to talk. One of the things that emerged was that at some point he had learned that I make very good money at my job, so he felt we could afford to pay him what he was asking. He pleaded poverty several times and tried to make me feel sorry for him. He seemed stunned when I told him it wasn't about what we could afford, it was about how we wanted to spend our money.
The LovingKindness Part, Finally
Now, I have been using G.M. in my metta meditation - first as the neutral person, then later as the disliked person. During this whole emotional conversation, I found myself in a very interesting space. I was not angry. I was able to listen to him with an open heart and mind, and feel compassion, but not get drawn in by his manipulative tactics or emotional outbursts. And I was able to make my points calmly and decisively. I felt bad for him, but I was able to stand my ground with no real effort. I have to believe that the metta meditation is what enabled me to do that. How cool.
In the end, we gave him a check for the contract balance and the extras that we felt were justified. Even though we weren't satisfied with a number of items, it seemed to me like the right thing to do, and my husband went along (unwillingly). G.M. accepted that amount and left, hopefully forever.
In retrospect, it seems pretty clear that he sat down & thought of everything he could to charge us for, thinking that since I make such good money it shouldn't be a problem. Which pisses me off, now. I might not be so nice if I ran into him at this point. But I'm pretty pleased at the way things went last Sunday.
Warning: Next several paragraphs are venting.
Especially my poor husband, who had to deal with the contractor (henceforth known as G.M.) way more than I did. The project that was supposed to take 6-8 weeks took 12. And along the way, it became clear that G.M. was not putting our interests as his first priority.
Problems
There were some little warning signs, but the big one was over the granite vanity in the master bath. Instead of subcontracting the whole job, which is what we were expecting, he had the granite place cut the slab on HIS measurements instead of coming out to do it right. He then hired one of their guys to come out and help him with the installation. The slab did not fit the corner due to walls being out of true, the holes for the sinks were too small AND off kilter, and one of them was in the wrong place. So what do you think he did? Reject it to be re-done??? Oh no, instead he tried VERY HARD to get us to accept it as is. We are still not sure why. But in the end we got him to replace it.
More Problems
The list of other stuff that's just plain wrong or sloppy would bore you, so I'll just mention a couple more. He installed a new screen door on our screen porch, one that swings open instead of sliding. However, he used the wrong kind of hinges, so the edge of the door is positioned half an inch from the frame, leaving a giant gap for bugs to come freely in. He also fixed the leaky roof on that same screen porch. But he discarded the hooded gutter that was there, and when we reminded him that the gutter needed to be replaced, he bought a cheaper non-hooded gutter. And the tile floor of the new shower doesn't drain properly, leaving puddles that don't go down the drain, even after the second try to get the slope right.
So. By the time we were FINALLY "done", we figured we have at least $2000 worth of rework to do to fix his screwups. At that point there was $455 left on the contract balance at that point, due to extra draws since he kept pleading poverty every week.
WTF??
So imagine our surprise when we got an email where he laid out all the things NOT included in the contract or any change order that he "expected" to be paid for. Even though HIS contract says everything like that has to be agreed on ahead of time. The add-on total for the extras came to almost $4000, about 20% over the contract amount.
This list included a few items that we would have agreed on had he asked. But most of it was outrageous bullshit. Like when he converted our old shower to a closet, he had originally planned to put in a sheetrock wall, which would have left a space between it and the new shower. There was a reason for this, but I don't know what it was. But he decided at some point NOT to do that, so it was less work for him and gave us a bigger closet. Fine. But on that final list, he included a $325 extra charge for that bigger closet, even though it was less work and materials!! This, and some other things, were just confusing.
Vent Alert Over
So we divided the list of "extras" into things we thought were OK (totaled $1000) and things we said "no way" to. When he showed up on Sunday, we were ready. The first thing we did was let him know that we were not satisfied with a number of items, which by his contract meant we didn't owe him anything more. Plus there was the little matter of the part of his contract where we don't have to pay for anything we didn't agree to. Then we veered onto the topic of the shower, where my husband got so angry he had to leave the room. G.M. and I continued to talk. One of the things that emerged was that at some point he had learned that I make very good money at my job, so he felt we could afford to pay him what he was asking. He pleaded poverty several times and tried to make me feel sorry for him. He seemed stunned when I told him it wasn't about what we could afford, it was about how we wanted to spend our money.
The LovingKindness Part, Finally
Now, I have been using G.M. in my metta meditation - first as the neutral person, then later as the disliked person. During this whole emotional conversation, I found myself in a very interesting space. I was not angry. I was able to listen to him with an open heart and mind, and feel compassion, but not get drawn in by his manipulative tactics or emotional outbursts. And I was able to make my points calmly and decisively. I felt bad for him, but I was able to stand my ground with no real effort. I have to believe that the metta meditation is what enabled me to do that. How cool.
In the end, we gave him a check for the contract balance and the extras that we felt were justified. Even though we weren't satisfied with a number of items, it seemed to me like the right thing to do, and my husband went along (unwillingly). G.M. accepted that amount and left, hopefully forever.
In retrospect, it seems pretty clear that he sat down & thought of everything he could to charge us for, thinking that since I make such good money it shouldn't be a problem. Which pisses me off, now. I might not be so nice if I ran into him at this point. But I'm pretty pleased at the way things went last Sunday.
View from a (bigger) Cubicle
That's right, I have a new cube and it's HUGE by cubicle standards!! By far the biggest and nicest I've ever had.
This is my old cube. It is 6 ft by 9 ft, but 3 of those 9 feet are shelves. As you can see, the desk space is pretty limited and all the space is right there on the aisle.
This is my old cube. It is 6 ft by 9 ft, but 3 of those 9 feet are shelves. As you can see, the desk space is pretty limited and all the space is right there on the aisle.
This is my new cube. It's basically a double-wide, 12 ft by 9 ft. WAY more usable desk space, AND you can walk in and move around. I can have little meetings in there, which is really convenient.
Plus there's room for all my toys and pictures, the things that make life in a cubicle bearable. This move is also significant because for the first time in a couple of years, I have just one cube. I've had cubes in more than one building for a while, and hardly spent any time at all in my "home" cube. I felt a lot like a hermit crab, especially for the last few months. So it's nice to be all in one place. Although I am secretly afraid that it won't last, I am truly allowing myself to enjoy it in the moment.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
SOLI 3 I'm not doing it right
I'll start this post by thanking Havi Brooks for her posts about blogging. Thanks, Havi, for helping me find enough whatever to write this.
When Mahala invited people to take part in the Summer of Lovingkindness, I was immediately drawn to the idea. I trust my spirit enough to follow it, and this was a pretty clear call. It even inspired me to start this blog. I've started to explore how lovingkindness can impact my life, especially at work.
BUT now the Censor has kicked in. I'm not a Buddhist. I don't meditate as much as I'd like to, and up until a couple of days ago I knew basically nothing about metta meditation. What on earth made me think I could possibly have anything to offer??? Plus now the stuff I wrote before has exposed my ignorance. The Censor is telling me to run and hide - delete those other blog posts and pretend they never happened. And don't write another word until I've done metta meditation every day for a while, so I can know what I'm talking about. As though somehow only actual practicing Buddhists have anything valuable to offer regarding love or kindness.
I have to be very firm with the Censor, particularly when it speaks to me with the voice of perfectionism. The anti-metta, the voice of fear and shame and "you'll never be good enough so don't bother trying". So no, I am not running and hiding.
The whole point of this is to document the journey forward. Today I take a tiny step to the light, send oxygen to the little spark in me, and share where I am at. The Censor did in fact give me a gift - I now have found some guidance on how to practice metta meditation, and tried it today for the first time. Did I do it "perfectly"? Certainly not. But my heart is more open than it was and I am content.
When Mahala invited people to take part in the Summer of Lovingkindness, I was immediately drawn to the idea. I trust my spirit enough to follow it, and this was a pretty clear call. It even inspired me to start this blog. I've started to explore how lovingkindness can impact my life, especially at work.
BUT now the Censor has kicked in. I'm not a Buddhist. I don't meditate as much as I'd like to, and up until a couple of days ago I knew basically nothing about metta meditation. What on earth made me think I could possibly have anything to offer??? Plus now the stuff I wrote before has exposed my ignorance. The Censor is telling me to run and hide - delete those other blog posts and pretend they never happened. And don't write another word until I've done metta meditation every day for a while, so I can know what I'm talking about. As though somehow only actual practicing Buddhists have anything valuable to offer regarding love or kindness.
I have to be very firm with the Censor, particularly when it speaks to me with the voice of perfectionism. The anti-metta, the voice of fear and shame and "you'll never be good enough so don't bother trying". So no, I am not running and hiding.
The whole point of this is to document the journey forward. Today I take a tiny step to the light, send oxygen to the little spark in me, and share where I am at. The Censor did in fact give me a gift - I now have found some guidance on how to practice metta meditation, and tried it today for the first time. Did I do it "perfectly"? Certainly not. But my heart is more open than it was and I am content.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
View from a Cubicle - Compassion SOLI 2
Compassion sneaked up on me today.
I had a meeting this morning with some folks engaged with me on a mammoth project. Two of the three of us were there on time, me and a woman I'll call Julie. I will be honest: Julie gets on my nerves more often than not. The workplace is about being professional, though, and cordial. So we were chatting while we waited for the 3rd person.
For a little background: Julie is overweight, and extremely self-conscious about it. She confided once to me that she always wears black because she is so heavy. However today she was wearing a pretty outfit, NOT black, a sort of soft beige dress with a jacket. I complimented her outfit, because it WAS pretty. If you are familiar with women who have weight issues, you can guess what came next - a complete brush-off of the compliment with a stream of self-denigration about her weight. I listened and when she ran out of steam, gently said really I was just trying to say that I liked what she was wearing.
Then she proceeded to tell me that it was so frustrating for her because she used to be slender and strong, athletic, then was in two car accidents pretty much back-to-back - in the second one, she was hit by an 18-wheeler. That was the end of her ability to roller-blade, ski, and all the other things she loved to do. Even walk for more than a little while, because of pain.
That's what really hit me. I am very active - I love working out, I love being in shape, I am at one gym or another almost every day. It may sound shallow, but the loss of my ability to exercise is one of my worst fears. In that moment, I felt a wave of compassion that pushed aside all my other not-so-positive feelings toward her.
And this is how the divine works in my life. I take a step in a new direction, and I am rewarded with a coincidence, a chance encounter, an unexpected conversation, that taps something inside and lets it out, and I see the world differently. I am grateful to @LuminousHeart for the invitation to focus on lovingkindness this summer. Participating in SOLI is that step that is opening me.
I had a meeting this morning with some folks engaged with me on a mammoth project. Two of the three of us were there on time, me and a woman I'll call Julie. I will be honest: Julie gets on my nerves more often than not. The workplace is about being professional, though, and cordial. So we were chatting while we waited for the 3rd person.
For a little background: Julie is overweight, and extremely self-conscious about it. She confided once to me that she always wears black because she is so heavy. However today she was wearing a pretty outfit, NOT black, a sort of soft beige dress with a jacket. I complimented her outfit, because it WAS pretty. If you are familiar with women who have weight issues, you can guess what came next - a complete brush-off of the compliment with a stream of self-denigration about her weight. I listened and when she ran out of steam, gently said really I was just trying to say that I liked what she was wearing.
Then she proceeded to tell me that it was so frustrating for her because she used to be slender and strong, athletic, then was in two car accidents pretty much back-to-back - in the second one, she was hit by an 18-wheeler. That was the end of her ability to roller-blade, ski, and all the other things she loved to do. Even walk for more than a little while, because of pain.
That's what really hit me. I am very active - I love working out, I love being in shape, I am at one gym or another almost every day. It may sound shallow, but the loss of my ability to exercise is one of my worst fears. In that moment, I felt a wave of compassion that pushed aside all my other not-so-positive feelings toward her.
And this is how the divine works in my life. I take a step in a new direction, and I am rewarded with a coincidence, a chance encounter, an unexpected conversation, that taps something inside and lets it out, and I see the world differently. I am grateful to @LuminousHeart for the invitation to focus on lovingkindness this summer. Participating in SOLI is that step that is opening me.
Monday, July 19, 2010
View From a Cubicle SOLI 1
I have a very hard time thinking about lovingkindness at work.
In my pressure-cooker job, it is easy for me to get caught up in all the crap that is so very far removed from anything spiritual: stress, frustration, coworkers I don't like, coworkers who don't like me, an unending pile of work that never seems to end, projects from hell, on and on and on. Most of the time it feels like diving into a deep, long tunnel. When I surface at the end of the day, I'm drained. I go home and spend my evening preparing for more of the same the next day.
Tonight is one of those nights, when I am so tired I can hardly think straight. But my playlist for the Zumba class I'll teach tomorrow is ready, and my lunch is made & in the refrigerator. In a minute I'll go pack the gym bag so it's ready and then take my shower. (I like de-stickifying in the evenings when it is such hot humid weather, it helps me sleep better.)
So instead of writing about ME in the workplace, I want to write about my friend and coworker Katie. I admire Katie a lot. She is one of the kindest and most patient people I know. When people around her are getting confused and tense, she is good at helping them have hope. She sees the person behind the emotion and frustration, and ministers to each of us.
I wish I was more like her. I wish I could readily find that place in myself, the wellspring of light, that would carry me through my days with more grace.
Here's a memory that helps me sometimes: I was returning home (Spokane, then) from a spiritual retreat on Maui that unlocked all sorts of stuff for me. I had arrived in San Francisco hours before my flight out, so I went to my gate and napped for a while. When I woke up, I sat up and looked around. Incredibly, I saw with what seemed to be my physical vision, a radiant star of light shining from the heart chakra of every person in sight. It was so beautiful. The light wasn't brighter or dimmer on anyone, or obscured by clothing, and I knew intuitively that it was the light of divine connection shining out to the world. I just sat and joyfully watched people walk around with these beautiful lights until finally after while the vision faded.
I can't explain what happened that day. But every time I remember it I am reminded that each and every one of us is a holy being, bumbling around in the world as best we can. So maybe tomorrow I will spend a little time before work connecting with that divine light within me, and pray for grace and love and kindness to get me through my day.
In my pressure-cooker job, it is easy for me to get caught up in all the crap that is so very far removed from anything spiritual: stress, frustration, coworkers I don't like, coworkers who don't like me, an unending pile of work that never seems to end, projects from hell, on and on and on. Most of the time it feels like diving into a deep, long tunnel. When I surface at the end of the day, I'm drained. I go home and spend my evening preparing for more of the same the next day.
Tonight is one of those nights, when I am so tired I can hardly think straight. But my playlist for the Zumba class I'll teach tomorrow is ready, and my lunch is made & in the refrigerator. In a minute I'll go pack the gym bag so it's ready and then take my shower. (I like de-stickifying in the evenings when it is such hot humid weather, it helps me sleep better.)
So instead of writing about ME in the workplace, I want to write about my friend and coworker Katie. I admire Katie a lot. She is one of the kindest and most patient people I know. When people around her are getting confused and tense, she is good at helping them have hope. She sees the person behind the emotion and frustration, and ministers to each of us.
I wish I was more like her. I wish I could readily find that place in myself, the wellspring of light, that would carry me through my days with more grace.
Here's a memory that helps me sometimes: I was returning home (Spokane, then) from a spiritual retreat on Maui that unlocked all sorts of stuff for me. I had arrived in San Francisco hours before my flight out, so I went to my gate and napped for a while. When I woke up, I sat up and looked around. Incredibly, I saw with what seemed to be my physical vision, a radiant star of light shining from the heart chakra of every person in sight. It was so beautiful. The light wasn't brighter or dimmer on anyone, or obscured by clothing, and I knew intuitively that it was the light of divine connection shining out to the world. I just sat and joyfully watched people walk around with these beautiful lights until finally after while the vision faded.
I can't explain what happened that day. But every time I remember it I am reminded that each and every one of us is a holy being, bumbling around in the world as best we can. So maybe tomorrow I will spend a little time before work connecting with that divine light within me, and pray for grace and love and kindness to get me through my day.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Summer of LovingKindness Invitational
One of the best things about exploring the Internet is finding new friends without the barriers of time and geography. What do I mean by that? It's difficult enough for me to find the time for actual vocal conversations with people in my own time zone, much less those that are timeshifted around the globe. Twitter, FaceBook, and blogs allow me to connect with people everywhere and everywhen. On the Internet I also get to participate in larger communities of shared interests than I can find in my own conservative Bible-belt South Carolina back yard.
In the interest of full disclosure, I have uneasy relationships (at best) with organized religion, and particularly with Christianity. Especially the "believe my way or you'll fry forever" varieties, which are very common here. I'm also not big on self-help gurus of any stripe.
So I have been delighted to find people on Twitter who gently share their spiritual paths and experiences and invite others to engage. In particular, Mahala Mazerov (aka @luminousheart) has touched my heart with her kind words and open spirit. A couple of weeks ago, she created an open invitation to anyone who wants to participate in a project over the summer. In her words, she invites us to join her "for 2 months of creative focus on love and lovingkindness", i.e. the Summer of Lovingkindness Invitational or SOLI, in whatever way we wish. For more information, see her website http://luminousheart.com/.
See, here's the thing. Most of my energy goes to my job. I work for a largish corporation, and in Information Systems (computer application development) to boot. I spend my days in a cubicle, when I'm not in meetings or otherwise engaged in business stuff. On the surface, it's more like Dilbert than not. It is ripe ground for the application of lovingkindness.
So one of the ways I am going to participate in the SOLI is to write about lovingkindness in the workplace. There are many ways that this will be a challenging project, in the very best sense. I am looking forward to the adventure, and hope you will join me in my View from a Cubicle series.
In the interest of full disclosure, I have uneasy relationships (at best) with organized religion, and particularly with Christianity. Especially the "believe my way or you'll fry forever" varieties, which are very common here. I'm also not big on self-help gurus of any stripe.
So I have been delighted to find people on Twitter who gently share their spiritual paths and experiences and invite others to engage. In particular, Mahala Mazerov (aka @luminousheart) has touched my heart with her kind words and open spirit. A couple of weeks ago, she created an open invitation to anyone who wants to participate in a project over the summer. In her words, she invites us to join her "for 2 months of creative focus on love and lovingkindness", i.e. the Summer of Lovingkindness Invitational or SOLI, in whatever way we wish. For more information, see her website http://luminousheart.com/.
See, here's the thing. Most of my energy goes to my job. I work for a largish corporation, and in Information Systems (computer application development) to boot. I spend my days in a cubicle, when I'm not in meetings or otherwise engaged in business stuff. On the surface, it's more like Dilbert than not. It is ripe ground for the application of lovingkindness.
So one of the ways I am going to participate in the SOLI is to write about lovingkindness in the workplace. There are many ways that this will be a challenging project, in the very best sense. I am looking forward to the adventure, and hope you will join me in my View from a Cubicle series.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Dance Interrupted
My husband (I will call him M.) and I have a game we play as we maneuver around the kitchen with various activities. We call it the Dance of the Kitchen Ferrets, and the goal is to accomplish our tasks with graceful interaction and without collision or impeding the other person. It's a pretty good measure of our individual levels of resilience in the moment. Lately, our dance has been relatively tense, more like stalking detente than fluid playfulness.
This is because two months after it started, our house is STILL undergoing remodeling. And lately, even as it nears completion, things have been particularly bumpy. Since our home is our haven from the world, this is very stressful. And this morning, issues left over from last week interfered with my getting ready for work, which translated into crankiness in the kitchen.
The spiritual path I follow (such as it is) has graced me with the insight that what's happening around me is not NEARLY as important as how I respond to it. When I get over my irritation about having no one to blame, it's clear to me that the loving path at 6:04 am is to keep my mouth shut and keep dancing, no matter how I feel. Today I was actually pretty successful, and that made me happy.
This is because two months after it started, our house is STILL undergoing remodeling. And lately, even as it nears completion, things have been particularly bumpy. Since our home is our haven from the world, this is very stressful. And this morning, issues left over from last week interfered with my getting ready for work, which translated into crankiness in the kitchen.
The spiritual path I follow (such as it is) has graced me with the insight that what's happening around me is not NEARLY as important as how I respond to it. When I get over my irritation about having no one to blame, it's clear to me that the loving path at 6:04 am is to keep my mouth shut and keep dancing, no matter how I feel. Today I was actually pretty successful, and that made me happy.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Scary Things
So what about all the things I chicken out from? How often do I believe fear when she whispers in my ear about "being realistic" or "being responsible" or "too risky" or "why bother"? Little by little over the last few years I have allowed myself to contract, pull back, shrink farther and farther away from the lovely terrifying fire. Yet it still calls to me, and I find I have still a little spark inside that has not been smothered.
So: this blog. I want to fan that spark, find fuel for it. Nurture it by exposing it to the open air just a little. Writing has always been one of my best tools, and really this is just a step up from the morning pages that I have (more or less) faithfully written for over 15 years now. The idea that someone someday might read this helps me have some accountability. I do not want to be an eternal whiner about what I could accomplish if only...
As I get more familiar with this medium, I will mold the look more to my personal taste.
And I'm laughing at myself now, as I search for the "perfect" closing sentence, the "zinger" that would wow ME if I were the one reading it. Enough already. Time to head to the gym.
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