SOLI 3 I'm not doing it right

I'll start this post by thanking Havi Brooks for her posts about blogging. Thanks, Havi, for helping me find enough whatever to write this.

When Mahala invited people to take part in the Summer of Lovingkindness, I was immediately drawn to the idea. I trust my spirit enough to follow it, and this was a pretty clear call. It even inspired me to start this blog. I've started to explore how lovingkindness can impact my life, especially at work.

BUT now the Censor has kicked in. I'm not a Buddhist. I don't meditate as much as I'd like to, and up until a couple of days ago I knew basically nothing about metta meditation. What on earth made me think I could possibly have anything to offer??? Plus now the stuff I wrote before has exposed my ignorance. The Censor is telling me to run and hide - delete those other blog posts and pretend they never happened. And don't write another word until I've done metta meditation every day for a while, so I can know what I'm talking about. As though somehow only actual practicing Buddhists have anything valuable to offer regarding love or kindness.

I have to be very firm with the Censor, particularly when it speaks to me with the voice of perfectionism. The anti-metta, the voice of fear and shame and "you'll never be good enough so don't bother trying". So no, I am not running and hiding.

The whole point of this is to document the journey forward. Today I take a tiny step to the light, send oxygen to the little spark in me, and share where I am at. The Censor did in fact give me a gift - I now have found some guidance on how to practice metta meditation, and tried it today for the first time. Did I do it "perfectly"? Certainly not. But my heart is more open than it was and I am content.