I'll start this post by thanking Havi Brooks for her posts about blogging. Thanks, Havi, for helping me find enough whatever to write this.
When Mahala invited people to take part in the Summer of Lovingkindness, I was immediately drawn to the idea. I trust my spirit enough to follow it, and this was a pretty clear call. It even inspired me to start this blog. I've started to explore how lovingkindness can impact my life, especially at work.
BUT now the Censor has kicked in. I'm not a Buddhist. I don't meditate as much as I'd like to, and up until a couple of days ago I knew basically nothing about metta meditation. What on earth made me think I could possibly have anything to offer??? Plus now the stuff I wrote before has exposed my ignorance. The Censor is telling me to run and hide - delete those other blog posts and pretend they never happened. And don't write another word until I've done metta meditation every day for a while, so I can know what I'm talking about. As though somehow only actual practicing Buddhists have anything valuable to offer regarding love or kindness.
I have to be very firm with the Censor, particularly when it speaks to me with the voice of perfectionism. The anti-metta, the voice of fear and shame and "you'll never be good enough so don't bother trying". So no, I am not running and hiding.
The whole point of this is to document the journey forward. Today I take a tiny step to the light, send oxygen to the little spark in me, and share where I am at. The Censor did in fact give me a gift - I now have found some guidance on how to practice metta meditation, and tried it today for the first time. Did I do it "perfectly"? Certainly not. But my heart is more open than it was and I am content.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
View from a Cubicle - Compassion SOLI 2
Compassion sneaked up on me today.
I had a meeting this morning with some folks engaged with me on a mammoth project. Two of the three of us were there on time, me and a woman I'll call Julie. I will be honest: Julie gets on my nerves more often than not. The workplace is about being professional, though, and cordial. So we were chatting while we waited for the 3rd person.
For a little background: Julie is overweight, and extremely self-conscious about it. She confided once to me that she always wears black because she is so heavy. However today she was wearing a pretty outfit, NOT black, a sort of soft beige dress with a jacket. I complimented her outfit, because it WAS pretty. If you are familiar with women who have weight issues, you can guess what came next - a complete brush-off of the compliment with a stream of self-denigration about her weight. I listened and when she ran out of steam, gently said really I was just trying to say that I liked what she was wearing.
Then she proceeded to tell me that it was so frustrating for her because she used to be slender and strong, athletic, then was in two car accidents pretty much back-to-back - in the second one, she was hit by an 18-wheeler. That was the end of her ability to roller-blade, ski, and all the other things she loved to do. Even walk for more than a little while, because of pain.
That's what really hit me. I am very active - I love working out, I love being in shape, I am at one gym or another almost every day. It may sound shallow, but the loss of my ability to exercise is one of my worst fears. In that moment, I felt a wave of compassion that pushed aside all my other not-so-positive feelings toward her.
And this is how the divine works in my life. I take a step in a new direction, and I am rewarded with a coincidence, a chance encounter, an unexpected conversation, that taps something inside and lets it out, and I see the world differently. I am grateful to @LuminousHeart for the invitation to focus on lovingkindness this summer. Participating in SOLI is that step that is opening me.
I had a meeting this morning with some folks engaged with me on a mammoth project. Two of the three of us were there on time, me and a woman I'll call Julie. I will be honest: Julie gets on my nerves more often than not. The workplace is about being professional, though, and cordial. So we were chatting while we waited for the 3rd person.
For a little background: Julie is overweight, and extremely self-conscious about it. She confided once to me that she always wears black because she is so heavy. However today she was wearing a pretty outfit, NOT black, a sort of soft beige dress with a jacket. I complimented her outfit, because it WAS pretty. If you are familiar with women who have weight issues, you can guess what came next - a complete brush-off of the compliment with a stream of self-denigration about her weight. I listened and when she ran out of steam, gently said really I was just trying to say that I liked what she was wearing.
Then she proceeded to tell me that it was so frustrating for her because she used to be slender and strong, athletic, then was in two car accidents pretty much back-to-back - in the second one, she was hit by an 18-wheeler. That was the end of her ability to roller-blade, ski, and all the other things she loved to do. Even walk for more than a little while, because of pain.
That's what really hit me. I am very active - I love working out, I love being in shape, I am at one gym or another almost every day. It may sound shallow, but the loss of my ability to exercise is one of my worst fears. In that moment, I felt a wave of compassion that pushed aside all my other not-so-positive feelings toward her.
And this is how the divine works in my life. I take a step in a new direction, and I am rewarded with a coincidence, a chance encounter, an unexpected conversation, that taps something inside and lets it out, and I see the world differently. I am grateful to @LuminousHeart for the invitation to focus on lovingkindness this summer. Participating in SOLI is that step that is opening me.
Monday, July 19, 2010
View From a Cubicle SOLI 1
I have a very hard time thinking about lovingkindness at work.
In my pressure-cooker job, it is easy for me to get caught up in all the crap that is so very far removed from anything spiritual: stress, frustration, coworkers I don't like, coworkers who don't like me, an unending pile of work that never seems to end, projects from hell, on and on and on. Most of the time it feels like diving into a deep, long tunnel. When I surface at the end of the day, I'm drained. I go home and spend my evening preparing for more of the same the next day.
Tonight is one of those nights, when I am so tired I can hardly think straight. But my playlist for the Zumba class I'll teach tomorrow is ready, and my lunch is made & in the refrigerator. In a minute I'll go pack the gym bag so it's ready and then take my shower. (I like de-stickifying in the evenings when it is such hot humid weather, it helps me sleep better.)
So instead of writing about ME in the workplace, I want to write about my friend and coworker Katie. I admire Katie a lot. She is one of the kindest and most patient people I know. When people around her are getting confused and tense, she is good at helping them have hope. She sees the person behind the emotion and frustration, and ministers to each of us.
I wish I was more like her. I wish I could readily find that place in myself, the wellspring of light, that would carry me through my days with more grace.
Here's a memory that helps me sometimes: I was returning home (Spokane, then) from a spiritual retreat on Maui that unlocked all sorts of stuff for me. I had arrived in San Francisco hours before my flight out, so I went to my gate and napped for a while. When I woke up, I sat up and looked around. Incredibly, I saw with what seemed to be my physical vision, a radiant star of light shining from the heart chakra of every person in sight. It was so beautiful. The light wasn't brighter or dimmer on anyone, or obscured by clothing, and I knew intuitively that it was the light of divine connection shining out to the world. I just sat and joyfully watched people walk around with these beautiful lights until finally after while the vision faded.
I can't explain what happened that day. But every time I remember it I am reminded that each and every one of us is a holy being, bumbling around in the world as best we can. So maybe tomorrow I will spend a little time before work connecting with that divine light within me, and pray for grace and love and kindness to get me through my day.
In my pressure-cooker job, it is easy for me to get caught up in all the crap that is so very far removed from anything spiritual: stress, frustration, coworkers I don't like, coworkers who don't like me, an unending pile of work that never seems to end, projects from hell, on and on and on. Most of the time it feels like diving into a deep, long tunnel. When I surface at the end of the day, I'm drained. I go home and spend my evening preparing for more of the same the next day.
Tonight is one of those nights, when I am so tired I can hardly think straight. But my playlist for the Zumba class I'll teach tomorrow is ready, and my lunch is made & in the refrigerator. In a minute I'll go pack the gym bag so it's ready and then take my shower. (I like de-stickifying in the evenings when it is such hot humid weather, it helps me sleep better.)
So instead of writing about ME in the workplace, I want to write about my friend and coworker Katie. I admire Katie a lot. She is one of the kindest and most patient people I know. When people around her are getting confused and tense, she is good at helping them have hope. She sees the person behind the emotion and frustration, and ministers to each of us.
I wish I was more like her. I wish I could readily find that place in myself, the wellspring of light, that would carry me through my days with more grace.
Here's a memory that helps me sometimes: I was returning home (Spokane, then) from a spiritual retreat on Maui that unlocked all sorts of stuff for me. I had arrived in San Francisco hours before my flight out, so I went to my gate and napped for a while. When I woke up, I sat up and looked around. Incredibly, I saw with what seemed to be my physical vision, a radiant star of light shining from the heart chakra of every person in sight. It was so beautiful. The light wasn't brighter or dimmer on anyone, or obscured by clothing, and I knew intuitively that it was the light of divine connection shining out to the world. I just sat and joyfully watched people walk around with these beautiful lights until finally after while the vision faded.
I can't explain what happened that day. But every time I remember it I am reminded that each and every one of us is a holy being, bumbling around in the world as best we can. So maybe tomorrow I will spend a little time before work connecting with that divine light within me, and pray for grace and love and kindness to get me through my day.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Summer of LovingKindness Invitational
One of the best things about exploring the Internet is finding new friends without the barriers of time and geography. What do I mean by that? It's difficult enough for me to find the time for actual vocal conversations with people in my own time zone, much less those that are timeshifted around the globe. Twitter, FaceBook, and blogs allow me to connect with people everywhere and everywhen. On the Internet I also get to participate in larger communities of shared interests than I can find in my own conservative Bible-belt South Carolina back yard.
In the interest of full disclosure, I have uneasy relationships (at best) with organized religion, and particularly with Christianity. Especially the "believe my way or you'll fry forever" varieties, which are very common here. I'm also not big on self-help gurus of any stripe.
So I have been delighted to find people on Twitter who gently share their spiritual paths and experiences and invite others to engage. In particular, Mahala Mazerov (aka @luminousheart) has touched my heart with her kind words and open spirit. A couple of weeks ago, she created an open invitation to anyone who wants to participate in a project over the summer. In her words, she invites us to join her "for 2 months of creative focus on love and lovingkindness", i.e. the Summer of Lovingkindness Invitational or SOLI, in whatever way we wish. For more information, see her website http://luminousheart.com/.
See, here's the thing. Most of my energy goes to my job. I work for a largish corporation, and in Information Systems (computer application development) to boot. I spend my days in a cubicle, when I'm not in meetings or otherwise engaged in business stuff. On the surface, it's more like Dilbert than not. It is ripe ground for the application of lovingkindness.
So one of the ways I am going to participate in the SOLI is to write about lovingkindness in the workplace. There are many ways that this will be a challenging project, in the very best sense. I am looking forward to the adventure, and hope you will join me in my View from a Cubicle series.
In the interest of full disclosure, I have uneasy relationships (at best) with organized religion, and particularly with Christianity. Especially the "believe my way or you'll fry forever" varieties, which are very common here. I'm also not big on self-help gurus of any stripe.
So I have been delighted to find people on Twitter who gently share their spiritual paths and experiences and invite others to engage. In particular, Mahala Mazerov (aka @luminousheart) has touched my heart with her kind words and open spirit. A couple of weeks ago, she created an open invitation to anyone who wants to participate in a project over the summer. In her words, she invites us to join her "for 2 months of creative focus on love and lovingkindness", i.e. the Summer of Lovingkindness Invitational or SOLI, in whatever way we wish. For more information, see her website http://luminousheart.com/.
See, here's the thing. Most of my energy goes to my job. I work for a largish corporation, and in Information Systems (computer application development) to boot. I spend my days in a cubicle, when I'm not in meetings or otherwise engaged in business stuff. On the surface, it's more like Dilbert than not. It is ripe ground for the application of lovingkindness.
So one of the ways I am going to participate in the SOLI is to write about lovingkindness in the workplace. There are many ways that this will be a challenging project, in the very best sense. I am looking forward to the adventure, and hope you will join me in my View from a Cubicle series.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Dance Interrupted
My husband (I will call him M.) and I have a game we play as we maneuver around the kitchen with various activities. We call it the Dance of the Kitchen Ferrets, and the goal is to accomplish our tasks with graceful interaction and without collision or impeding the other person. It's a pretty good measure of our individual levels of resilience in the moment. Lately, our dance has been relatively tense, more like stalking detente than fluid playfulness.
This is because two months after it started, our house is STILL undergoing remodeling. And lately, even as it nears completion, things have been particularly bumpy. Since our home is our haven from the world, this is very stressful. And this morning, issues left over from last week interfered with my getting ready for work, which translated into crankiness in the kitchen.
The spiritual path I follow (such as it is) has graced me with the insight that what's happening around me is not NEARLY as important as how I respond to it. When I get over my irritation about having no one to blame, it's clear to me that the loving path at 6:04 am is to keep my mouth shut and keep dancing, no matter how I feel. Today I was actually pretty successful, and that made me happy.
This is because two months after it started, our house is STILL undergoing remodeling. And lately, even as it nears completion, things have been particularly bumpy. Since our home is our haven from the world, this is very stressful. And this morning, issues left over from last week interfered with my getting ready for work, which translated into crankiness in the kitchen.
The spiritual path I follow (such as it is) has graced me with the insight that what's happening around me is not NEARLY as important as how I respond to it. When I get over my irritation about having no one to blame, it's clear to me that the loving path at 6:04 am is to keep my mouth shut and keep dancing, no matter how I feel. Today I was actually pretty successful, and that made me happy.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Scary Things
So what about all the things I chicken out from? How often do I believe fear when she whispers in my ear about "being realistic" or "being responsible" or "too risky" or "why bother"? Little by little over the last few years I have allowed myself to contract, pull back, shrink farther and farther away from the lovely terrifying fire. Yet it still calls to me, and I find I have still a little spark inside that has not been smothered.
So: this blog. I want to fan that spark, find fuel for it. Nurture it by exposing it to the open air just a little. Writing has always been one of my best tools, and really this is just a step up from the morning pages that I have (more or less) faithfully written for over 15 years now. The idea that someone someday might read this helps me have some accountability. I do not want to be an eternal whiner about what I could accomplish if only...
As I get more familiar with this medium, I will mold the look more to my personal taste.
And I'm laughing at myself now, as I search for the "perfect" closing sentence, the "zinger" that would wow ME if I were the one reading it. Enough already. Time to head to the gym.
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