Have you read STiLL ALiCE ??

I just finished reading - devouring, actually - the novel STiLL ALiCE by Lisa Genova. It is the story, told from Alice's point of view, of her descent into Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease.

I don't remember being this affected by a book in a very long time. I fear few things as much as I fear losing myself. This particular disease is a very scary bogeyman in my closet. Thankfully, no one in my family has it, so I am spared the genetic haunts.

SPOILER ALERT

But here's the thing that has me in its grip right now. In the story, before she is too far gone, Alice sets up an "out" for herself and a way to remember to use it. Her reminding method ultimately fails, but she stumbles across the letter she wrote to herself and goes to carry out the plan. What's clear to the reader is that her husband John found the "out" and disposed of it at some prior point in time. Alice is too far gone to care or even remember that she found the letter or tried to carry out the plan.

And that's not even the bitter part for me. The bitter part is that after he eliminates her escape plan, he ultimately can't bear to stick around and watch the end. I am struggling to find sympathy in me for his character when I feel he has betrayed her - that he exposed himself as a coward and hypocrite. Not to mention being unwilling to honor her wishes, expressed when she was still of sound mind. He makes some comments to their children about Alice's "unilateral decision" that didn't get carried out, but he made one of his own without talking to the rest of the family.

What's right? How do we come to grips with these most painful of decisions? Is it possible to make good decisions about when suicide will be the good option? Is loss of self sufficient grounds? Was John right to do what he did? How can we care for our loved ones in the face of this kind of pain? As an aside, I have NOT had to deal with any sort of dementia in my immediate family. At least not yet.After reading this book, I sort of think watching a loved one go into that dark night would be worse than going there myself.

If you have read this book, I welcome your comments about these and any other issues raised in it.

View from a Cubicle - Compassion SOLI 2

Compassion sneaked up on me today.

I had a meeting this morning with some folks engaged with me on a mammoth project. Two of the three of us were there on time, me and a woman I'll call Julie. I will be honest: Julie gets on my nerves more often than not. The workplace is about being professional, though, and cordial. So we were chatting while we waited for the 3rd person.

For a little background: Julie is overweight, and extremely self-conscious about it. She confided once to me that she always wears black because she is so heavy. However today she was wearing a pretty outfit, NOT black, a sort of soft beige dress with a jacket. I complimented her outfit, because it WAS pretty. If you are familiar with women who have weight issues, you can guess what came next - a complete brush-off of the compliment with a stream of self-denigration about her weight. I listened and when she ran out of steam, gently said really I was just trying to say that I liked what she was wearing.

Then she proceeded to tell me that it was so frustrating for her because she used to be slender and strong, athletic, then was in two car accidents pretty much back-to-back - in the second one, she was hit by an 18-wheeler. That was the end of her ability to roller-blade, ski, and all the other things she loved to do. Even walk for more than a little while, because of pain.

That's what really hit me. I am very active - I love working out, I love being in shape, I am at one gym or another almost every day. It may sound shallow, but the loss of my ability to exercise is one of my worst fears. In that moment, I felt a wave of compassion that pushed aside all my other not-so-positive feelings toward her.

And this is how the divine works in my life. I take a step in a new direction, and I am rewarded with a coincidence, a chance encounter, an unexpected conversation, that taps something inside and lets it out, and I see the world differently. I am grateful to @LuminousHeart for the invitation to focus on lovingkindness this summer. Participating in SOLI is that step that is opening me.